Recently I was on a Bryan Adams concert. It was the thing I've wanted for almost half of my life (well for some it may not seem as a long time as I'm not very old - at least I think i'm not). His songs are as heart touching as a song can ever be - at least for me. (I gues I can't stop adding those stupid remarks starting with "at least", of explaining that I'm writing exclusively about my self and just my own feelings).
Well, where I was... Oh yes, my heart and soul madness of Adams songs.
My first realization that I love those songs was when I was 12 years old. But I guest that, by that time I just liked the nice music, rythm or so, because first of all I was 12 and not much of a love and life experience could I have, and for second, I think my english skills were not as good as for completely understanding the text. My dad noticed my passion of Adam. I must first explain that in my country those days music CDs were selled in just few shops and they were abnormally expensive. No net those times for me, so all there was, was the radio. But then we managed to buy the CD player and my dad brought me actually my first and only Adams CD - Best of Me with all my favorite songs. I hav'nt bought any other CD's because I don't do that, as there is net I can find any song or video I like in seconds.
My dad was my only soulmate - real, true soulmate, that would understand me completely. Thogh I couldn't say we didn't argue, or sometimes he didn't appreciated me like I would wished for (I guess that some psychoterapists would say I need a therrapy on this subject :)). No one's perfect, but still he was the God for me, and even that it's been one and a half year since hi's gone, I can't stop measuring all people by his standards.
It's very difficult to be a daddys girl, as there is no one who could be even close to may dad - not even my husband. Not that I don't love him, I do, but it's sometimes so hard knowing that, at some moment when you want him to do something and he doesn't do it, my dad would done it, without any questions or even without beeing asked for, for my mum.
Dad mostly didn't knew what were the words of the songs, because of his english skills, but then he asked me for the meanings and started to like songs even more. We both usually were singing along when driving in car - it was like talking to each other with the words of the songs and understanding each others feelings of our own lives.
And then I got to this concert with my husband. It was most amaizing and one of worst moments of my life. Amaizing because I felt each word of songs runing through my vains and saying - yes, yes, sing more about me, my feelings and my life. An worst, because I felt like I have no one to share this moment with, though I was with my husband. I know he doesn't feel these songs like I do, he doesn't want to sing along, he doesn't want to move or dance to this music. It was like listening to this concert alone in the crowd, and again, I am 100% sure, that if my dad would have been with us, he would dance with my mum, he would be the first one to sing along and devoted all words of song to my mum.
And it is not because my husband doesn't loves me or what, it's just because he's not like my dad, hi just isn't that open or so. I feel that I need a person who could lead me, who could share dreams with me - be a rock I can build on.
And there comes my obsession - I just feel like wanting to talk to the person who has written all these songs, and somehow I just can't believe that they are written by Bryan Adams, because yesterday I red an article at our local gossip magazine about him, wich states that he just doesn't want long relationship, and for me that means, that he just doesn't really know what love is. To me, love means constant wish to be with the person I love, to take care about him and to wish for return. Somehow story of Adams life doesn't fit with his songs. And I'm just so tensed about this - how's that possible thing.
I gues that's because I had imaginated him like may dad (and as I found out yeasterday they happen to be born in the same year). I thought that he must have a very loving wife and few kids. Or at least he had had some wifes :) To me it sounds impossible, if a person claims that all there is in his life is music. It's ok to devote yourself to something, if specially all world likes it, but yoy should have something more in your life. Why? Well I gues I really do not have an answer to that. Maybe because I look at my darling daughter and realize that there is nothing more precious than that. Or it's just maybe I don't have this one true passion of doing something.
Well that's where my great obsession is - I would really like to find out how it's possible to be like he is and how it's possible to change myself or change all other world to fit in it.